Be A Budget Hero: Feed Your Kids Trash (part 3)

Your go-to mommy blogger for all parenting advice.

Howdy-do, sweet mommies and sweet children everywhere. Your favorite mommy blogger is back, and this time I’m going to talk to you about punishing kids. It’s time for:

Be A Budget Hero: Feed Your Kids Trash (part 3)

In my first genius article, I introduced my genius concept to make parenting a little easier for hardworking mommies everywhere– Be A Budget Hero, and Feed Your Kids Trash.

My first article focused on introducing the concept of trash-eating as a fun game. My second article taught you how to deal with the first rumblings of resistence by drowning your children with guilt and shame.

But what are you supposed to do when that guilt wears off? Good mommies of the world, I’m going to tell you.

Budget Hero Tip #3: threaten incredibly harsh punishment

At some point, even the most stupid child will realize that they are getting a raw deal when, day after day, they are eating garbage. They will surely learn that other kids don’t all have to do this (because, after all, not all parents know how to raise their kids right). Some future day, further resistance is inevitable.


This is when you have to put on your big, tough mommy pants. The games are over. The emotional heart-to-hearts are long gone.

Tell your kids that the world is harsh– everyone needs to work to earn their keep. And if they won’t work to earn their place in your house, they won’t get it.


At this point, go through the motions of laying a plastic tarp outside. Tell them that this is their new blanket. The brambles coating your backyard are their bed. Yes, they’ll get scraped and bruised out here. But if that’s how they want to live, that’s fine with you.

If you don’t have a backyard, that’s even better. Find a nearby alleyway or sidewalk. Bonus points if homeless people actively hang out there. But wherever you lay your child’s new bed, make sure it appears to be both dangerous and incredibly uncomfortable.

You can add as a helpful suggestion that they really ought to use the tarp– it will help disguise their appetizing little bodies, so they are marginally less likely to be eaten by vicious coyotes. Put your hand to your ear– you’ve just heard one, yowling hungrily in the distance.

Don’t be afraid to follow through on your harsh threats, mommies of the world. At some point, your children have to learn that resistence is futile when dealing with your powerful will. If this means that they sleep in an alleyway for a few nights, so be it. If you’ve done a good job raising your kiddos so far, they will be scrappy enough to not get too badly injured.

When they realize that this threat is serious, and that you aren’t letting up, they’ll come running right back.

Your kids will be gathering their garbage again in no time.

Now you’ve gotten all three of my tips to get your kids eating trash. You’re welcome, mommies of the world. Together, we will raise a new generation of resourceful and scrappy kiddos, with minimal impact upon our own happiness.

Well done, Mommy of the year. Well done.