I’m Captain Save-A-Ho, and when a ho’s in need, I’m a friend indeed.
Today, I want to help young women in distress all around the world solve a problem that I have seen with my own eyes far too many times.
So You’re Drunk and Pregnant: Now What?
THE SITUATION:
You’re sitting on the stained and foul-smelling carpeting of your townhouse, a bottle of wine nestled in your crossed legs. It is not your first bottle today. It might not even be your second. You sway gently from side to side as the walls spin. A room over, your unshaved boyfriend hoots with laughter as he watches episode after episode of “Wipeout.” He hasn’t left the house in at least four days and your shared bong bubbles gently in his hand. In the bedroom, two of your five cats have broken into a yowling, hissing fight which will surely end in the rage-pee of of the loser.
In your open palm? The positive pregnancy test you’ve been clutching since early this morning.
I, Captain Save-A-Ho, will help you figure out what to do now.
Step 1 – Put down the bottle.
We both know you aren’t supposed to drink while pregnant, but people have made worse mistakes! You have approximately 240 more days of being pregnant. There’s no need to beat yourself up over just one. But now, it’s time to sober up and try to look at this situation rationally.
Stand up and walk to the nearest sink. You’re not an expensive wine kind of gal, so pour that Yellowtail down the drain before you lose your nerve! Now, you can throw that bottle away knowing you’ve made your first selfless sacrifice for your little bundle of joy.
Step 2 – Actually Put Down the Bottle
Okay, so you didn’t follow the instructions in Step 1. That’s okay, nobody’s perfect. Don’t panic, because you and I are going to get through this together.
Do not reach for your cell phone. Only bad things come from a drunk dial. Just find your way to the shower. Rinse that lovely body of yours, and splash some cold water on your face. Make a nice cup of coffee or tea. Soon, you’ll be feeling right as rain!
Step 3 – Oh God, Sweetheart, Please Stop Drinking
Alright. So you didn’t stop. We’ll figure this out!
Put down your phone. This situation isn’t going to get better by drunkenly explaining to your ex-boyfriend why he shouldn’t have left your sweet pussy behind, nor will it help to curse him out when he tries to justify his decisions. You are much too classy to finish this drunk-dial. Simply hang up, and write it off as a temporary lapse in judgement. No biggie!
I see that you’ve finished the bottle. While that is certainly not ideal, there’s no turning back the hands of time. All you have to do now is stay home, take care of yourself, nurse your inevitable hangover, and most importantly– do not replace the bottle!
Step 4 – Just Because You bought it Doesn’t Mean You Have to Drink it All
You’ve really got a mind of your own, don’t you?
So, you replaced the bottle. You’ve opened it and poured half of it into the extra-large novelty mug your step-mother bought you at the Grand Canyon.
This next piece of advice will take you far:
just because you’ve started something doesn’t mean you have to finish!
You are in control. You are a powerful woman, and your past mistakes don’t have to define you! Just walk right past your new boytoy, out that front door, and throw your bottle in the dumpster. Hell, you could even give it to the sketchy old lady who hovers in your stairwell. Lord knows she likes a drink! Just get that bottle out of your house as quick as you can! Think of the baby growing inside you, and summon the superior strength and resolve of a loving mother.
Step 5 – Sleep Sweetly, gentle Ho
Well, that didn’t work. You’ve finished that bottle– your fourth of the day. You are now passed out, having mostly made it into your bed.
Honestly, this is probably for the best. Sleep sweetly, gentle ho. When the morning comes you can face the reality of your pregnancy, and nurse the pounding headache. For now, dream sweet dreams full of half-price heels and men who stick around.
That’s it for “So You’re Drunk And Pregnant: NOW WHAT?” Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are a ho in need who has any questions!
Earnestly,
-Captain Save-A-Ho
