Fatassery and You
As our access to Wonka’s-wet-dream quantities of delicious food has increased, so has a nutritional epidemic scientists are calling “fatassery.” Fatassery symptoms include extreme swelling in the stomach, buttocks, and thighs. Extreme cases will cause swelling the in calves, cheeks and back as well. Unusually excessive sweating is also a sign you are suffering from fatassery. You may also begin to exhibit a snortiness like a pug dog in your breathing patterns. Your energy levels and endurance will plummet. You will become more susceptible to rashes and sores. Overall, fatassery can be a debilitating condition caused only by your enjoyment of all the best things in life.
What’s The Deal?
Is this some cruel joke from our creator? What kind of God would give us such a bounty of riches only to poison the gift with a horrible disease? Government scientists would have you believe that this is the case. “Moderation,” they say, is the key. We must limit our intake of delicious offerings in order to avoid the disastrous effects of fatassery.
I am about to let you in on the diet miracle which, through no coincidence, was discovered just as our ability to mass produce fantastic bounties of sweets hit its peak. This gift comes straight from the quaint heartland farms of the world. It is cheap, accessible, effective and hated by governments everywhere who want to keep you under foot. The solution is called Meth and it will allow you to eat as much as you ever dreamed, of whatever you wish, and NEVER contract “fatassery.”