I’m Captain Save-A-Ho, and when a ho’s in need, I’m a friend indeed.
You may have found my article because you have realized that your boyfriend is a mean, abusive layabout, and you have decided you should leave him. Well, my lovely lady, I am here to help you with this trying ordeal!
Here’s How to Leave Your Abusive Boyfriend.
Step 1: Pack up and leave!
I know it’s hard, but the first step is to get OUT of there! You can sort out financials later. Maybe in a few days, you can come back for some of your bigger stuff. But right now he’s passed out drunk on the couch– he won’t give you any trouble. Pack a couple bags full of your most essential items and get out that door, honey.
Step 2: Stop texting your abusive EX boyfriend and leave your abusive CURRENT boyfriend!
Alright, this seems like a step backwards. But it’s okay, we can work with it. Sexting your abusive EX boyfriend while complaining about your abusive CURRENT boyfriend is not exactly progress. Now you’re still with the jerk you wish you could dump, you’re just kind of cheating also. But I don’t mean to be harsh with you, gentle ho! I only want what’s best for you, so let’s work through this.
You’ve been preparing– now it’s time to pull the trigger! Just stop texting, put that phone in your pocket, grab your wallet, and LEAVE. Forget about packing. Forget about your clothes, your furniture– everything. A few nights on the pole could replace all of it fo you. Just pull off that band-aid and get out!
STEP 3: Why Are You Sucking His Dick? Get Out of There!
Gee whiz, little lady. I guess you’re just a creature of habit. I don’t know why him yelling at you about the dishes ended up with your mouth on his balls, but the world is full of mysteries. The important thing is that when you stop, you come to your senses and walk out that door! In every city in America there are resources for women in situations like yours. I promise sweetheart, you will find help. Never again will he try to choke you with his old gym shorts.
STEP 4: Okay. We’re going to call this “GOODBYE anal sex”
So, he’s currently pounding his un-lubed penis into your butthole. I would not typically call this a step in the direction of leaving the guy, but we’ll work with it! Let’s just say that this is him kissing that sweet ass goodbye. In a few minutes he will have ejaculated, falling asleep almost immediately. This will be a perfect opportunity to bail!
STEP 5: … So, you’ve drugged yourself out of consciousness. We’ll call that a win.
Well, this didn’t go quite as I’d hoped. You’ve taken several powerful sedatives and are currently tranquilized out of existence. But, sweet ho, there’s a silver lining! You’ve escaped the abuse mentally, so that’s good. He can’t get to you inside your drugged mind-palace.
Focus on this feeling, and when you wake, we’ll try again.
That’s it for “How To Leave Your Abusive Boyfriend.” Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are a ho in need who has any questions!
Earnestly,
-Captain Save-A-Ho
