How to be Effectively More Unpleasant
The worst. The absolute fucking worst.
So, you have done all you can to let the people you interact with on a daily basis know that you are not interested in them. You have been cold and curt, given the cold shoulder, even said “I don’t care,” in your most condescending tone. Maybe you have even told some smiling “people-person” to downright fuck off.
Somehow, for some reason, this isn’t enough. A chipper co-worker keeps attempting to bring you in on some friendly small talk a few times a week. You even find yourself engaging in this pointless act of human tradition despite yourself. Some relative sneaks a small gift into your possession. You find yourself not only thanking them, but then making an awful trip to a local store to return the gesture. Some store clerk catches you off-guard with a “how is your day.” When you reflexively respond “fine…how is yours,” they actually tell you.

Slipping down to the level of these awful individuals you are cursed to roam the earth with is the bane of all unpleasant people, and can happen to any untrained curmudgeon. Luckily, with practice and good information, you can sharpen the quality of your unpleasantness to make sure your lowers won’t even attempt to break through your scowling face.

Fresh Human Tragedy

Here is my first foolproof technique to turn off any charmer you will ever encounter. I call it:  Fresh Human Tragedy. Someone asks you how your day is going. What do you do? A cold silent stare may end the conversation today, but a truly chipper ass will try again to melt your icy heart. A “mind your own business,” could just signal a bad day and provoke further questions–perhaps even sympathy. So what do you do then? Unpleasant jujitsu.

You thank them for asking and you tell them about something tragic that happened TODAY that you can’t stop thinking about. We are looking for death here. Gruesome is preferred. Really lay on the details. If you know something about the person asking you how your day is try to connect the tragedy to their lives. “Imagine getting chewed up by a combine at only 14 years of age? Isn’t your Jimmy 14?”

Innocent Victim = Gold

It should go without saying but the more innocent the victim the better. Don’t go telling them about some terrorist who blew themselves up without managing to kill someone else. Be selective with your tragedy. Children and heroes usually work best.

Wrapping Up

One of the great things about our interconnected world is that we have access to a global community of news about horrible things happening to our fellow humans. The freshness matters. A friendly soul may ask you how you are doing again tomorrow but no truly chipper person will get past the third encounter without realizing engaging with you will open their eyes to a piece of life they just can’t deal with.