Top 3 Dogs to Kick
The worst. The absolute fucking worst.

Top 3 Dogs to Kick

Everyone knows that having hobbies is important to your well-being and self-esteem. Some people like bowling. Some people like collecting ceramic statues of dogs. But with a world full of tantalizing choices, how are you supposed to know which hobby to pick? 

I’d like to suggest for you, my eager reader, an ancient passtime. It’s a passtime passed down from generation to generation, and that I have personally seen practiced with extreme popularity in the humble streets of Mexico.

For you, sweet reader, I suggest my own favorite hobby: Kicking Dogs.


There are many scientifically proven perks of punting a pooch. For one, it makes you feel powerful. There is little which bolsters your feelings of superiority more than swinging your foot into a helpless animal who just thinks you’re great.

There are many therapeutic properties of dog-kicking, and if done right it is consequence-free. Dogs are hearty creatures, and can easily bounce back from a properly placed kick.

They are also trusting to the point of retardation, so if you simply follow-up your kicks by letting them eat some succulent garbage or lick peanut butter off your balls, they won’t even stop loving you.


By now I’m sure I’ve captured your interest. So I want to start you off on your new hobby with some helpful tips. For every dog out there, there is a unique and subtle kicking experience.

For some healthy, life-enriching kicking, here are my Top 3 Dogs to Kick.


Just take one look at this squishy-faced little troll and tell me he doesn’t look fun to kick. I love kicking Mr. Pugsly because he already looks like such a wretched creature, I don’t exacltly feel like I’m making his life worse.
Practice caution when you find your own Mr. Pugsly– he’s a small dog, and therefore, it’s much easier to break ribs or damage internal organs. You don’t want a pesky lawsuit on your hands while you’re practicing your favorite new hobby.
Buttercup is enormous fun to kick, especially because– who names a dog Buttercup? That is the name of a cow.

But anyway, Buttercup’s extraordinarily soft and fluffy coat makes a soft pillow for your foot before you connect with her body. It’s a really satisfying feeling.

Now, Buttercup is a purebred Chau Chau. And you’ve got to watch out for purebred dogs. They are 86% more likely to have persnickity owners who will really throw a fit if they catch you kicking their dog. So make sure to practice stealth.



Sending a swift foot into Patches’ side is one of the most joyous parts of my whole day. This herding dog is incredibly fast and zippy, often running directly into my kicks, amplifying the squeal on contact.

The only drawback of kicking a dog like Patches is that herding dogs are slightly less stupid than other dogs, and are likely to figure out your game faster. So make sure you give tiny rewards after nearly every kick– like feeding him a dead mouse or something. That way, he’ll be sure to keep coming back for more.

That’s it for my advice on dog-kicking. You’re on your own, now: develop your own favored techniques, and find your own pooches to punt. Godspeed, dear readers!