The Opioid Epidemic and Comedy: A Personal Story
Don’t Do Drugs Bear
The Best Bear Comedian In The History of Drugs

THe Opioid Epidemic and Comedy: A Personal Story

In the last decade, opiate use has skyrocketed in the United States. It seems like nearly everyone is trying to use pills to get high, from elementary school teachers to forklift operators to brain surgeons. 

I myself have come to rely on opiates to perform my comedy act. I admit it– I am one of the many who have become addicted. For me, popping a few pills has become an essential part of getting loose and getting ready.

Lately, there has been a tremendous cultural shift towards the limitation of availability for opiates. With all of he heartache and pain these pills have wrought on humanity, lawmakers are making a great effort to limit supply and attempt to reign these drugs in. 

It is all too easy for a human to walk into the doctor’s office, complain of chronic pain, and walk out with a prescription for some of the most dangerous drugs in the world. Then, the spiral seems inevitable. Nice little 40-something Barbara, who has never been hooked on drugs before, suddenly finds herself needing those pills more and more often. She becomes aggressive and erratic, when she isn’t comatose. 

Then, wee little Billy toddles into her bathroom. Finds the pill drawer. He swallows a handful, and BAM. Another lost to the opioid epidemic.

A Bear’s Perspective

This bear must chime in on the tragedy. 

It is a terrible idea to limit the supply of these essential drugs. I as a comedian, absolutely rely on them to be funny, as do many of the fatass comedians who are already bludgeoning their bodies with a cocktail of hard drugs, alcohol, and fatty foods. 

Why are humans fucking around with these drugs in the first place? If they can make a goddamn bear go all droopy-eyed, its’ no wonder that humans die using them. Humans, I beg of you– stop with the regulations, and simply leave these drugs to comedians and bears. 

Honestly, what’s going to happen to the bear / comic crew? Another comedian dies tragically young? We all saw that coming. It’s a miracle that most comics don’t off themselves before 30 anyway.

And as for me… I am a freaking cartoon bear. Just TRY to take me down.

So, this is why I shout loud and proud– keep pain pills legal! Keep them freely available!

If I must, I will be the hero you all need. I will use the entire supply and keep the nation safe.