Comedy and Functional Alcoholism
Don’t Do Drugs Bear
The Best Bear Comedian In The History of Drugs


I am a Bear who could never tell a lie, and let me tell you– there is more to alcohol than enhancing nearly everything, making you want to climb random objects, and having the best time of your life. Believe it or not, alcoholism can actually be a problem. Too much alcohol can make you really sad to be around, and even cause health problems. 

But, for an aspiring comedian, alcohol can also be the sweet, secret sauce which unlocks nationwide success, super cool friends, and hot women who want to fuck you (purely because you’re funny.)


Let me be clear– as a comedian starting out, you definitely want alcoholism. It will help you deal with your tiny apartment, your fat-fuck self, your near constant rejection, and the crippling self-loathing that lives inside everyone who is truly funny.

74% of successful comedians are functional alcoholics– meaning they have a terrible drinking problem, but still get things done. Functional alcoholism is funny. It’s quirky. People like having someone around who gets into drunken shenanigans, but still sort of has their life together.

Non-functional alcoholism is purely sad. Everyone will think you are a depressing fuckhead who hates himself too much to stay alive much longer. And they’re probably right.

So, from this drunken bear to you– here are a few guideposts to know if you are a functional alcoholic, or just a fuck-up.

  1. Stand up for your Stand-Up, but Take a Cab.

To be a functional alcoholic, you should be able to stand up for the duration of your comedy set. I know from experience that it makes the whole audience very uncomfortable when you’re lying on the stage like a beached whale, mumbling jokes into the mic you are clutching like a life-preserver.

With that said, you should be trashed. When reaching for your car keys, you should be completely unable to hold onto those slippery little shits. Lord knows I can hold onto a salmon leaping for its life, but my car keys when drunk? No way. And that’s probably for the best.

  1. Stick to a script on stage, but nowhere else

Drink a lot, but still be able to remember your set. Most of my jokes rely on puns and wordplay– fucking those up is just embarrassing.

The jokes you’ll make up when you’re wasted will not be funny. For me, it’s usually just a series of curses followed by observations about my own paws. Not very relatable for a human audience. That’s why I don’t improvise.

But, in the rest of your life, running your mouth is CRITICAL in providing hilarious anecdotes for your sets. For example, be drunk enough at your girlfriend’s parents’ house to begin musing whether her and her mom’s pussy feel the same.

And there’s no need to be that clever. Really scrape the bottom of the barrel. Next time you get pulled over, communicate with the cop using only a series of oinks. When your landlord comes knocking after rent, do an awful impression of Arabic and shriek bomb threats through the door.

Oh, the shenanigans you will create.

  1. Pee on Objects You can Actually Identify

As a hilarious functional alcoholic, you should be enthusiastic about peeing on things a normal person wouldn’t. But if you are so far gone that you have no idea what object you’re peeing on, you are failing. That lumpy shape could be a trash bag, or a homeless person. There’s a fine line between hilarious and sad while your dick is in your hand.

Also, a general word of advice: if it seems like a hilarious idea to pee on your audience from the stage, you’re too drunk. I learned this the hard way.

  1. Get Pussy, but be Incapable of Fucking it

A sad, lonely alcoholic weeping his way through a comedy set isn’t going to score any poon. But a funny man with low inhibitions who just came off a well-lit stage can be a major chick-magnet.

You should be able to bring girls back to your trashy little apartment on the regular. They should be absolutely ready and willing to fuck you, and hot enough that you want to fuck them too. But, to truly be the functional alcoholic you were born to be, you have to drink until your dick doesn’t work.

Leave those eager women thoroughly disappointed by your unresponsive cock. Let them suck on it for several minutes before you half-heartedly say, “maybe I could get it going myself?” Then let them watch as you crank it furiously, chafing your poor dick-skin until there is no question left– neither of you are getting laid tonight.

You have just created for yourself a hilarious new story for your stand-up.


Now you should be able to tell what kind of alcoholic you are. Let the booze rocket you to comedic success!