“This person looks healthy and well adjusted! How in the world could he/she be funny?”

“I’m not about to laugh at someone who looks and feels better than I do!”

Getting onstage as a fat slob immediately sets your audience at ease and is one of the simplest shortcuts to success in the comedy world. After all, nothing says unwarranted confidence like a sloppy fat fuck jumping up in front of a crowd and shouting “LOOK AT ME!”

1. Buffets

3. Buffets are a classic staple of the poor fat person. I recommend the Chinese variety for ultimate gains. Those tiny people have somehow become the premiere experts in fattening up westerners (I assume they intend to use them as a source of protein in the future but that is a different subject). Chinese buffets are great because for the price of an extra large fast food meal you can eat 10 times as many empty calories. Stay away from the protein as much as possible. Stick with high carb options. No vegetables. Make sure to drink as much sugary soda as humanly possible. Take as many bathroom trips as you need. Stay for as long as possible. If you let a grumpy chinese lady guilt you out of there in under 2 hours you have failed and you don’t really want to succeed as a comedian. You should be in physical pain by the time you leave but you should NEVER vomit. Nobody said this would happen without some work. If you really want to succeed as a comic you will find a way to accomplish this task.

Even if the jokes don’t land, chances are someone will buy you a drink. Free drinks become easier to procure once you are already a little drunk so make sure you ride out the hot streaks and get good and wasted. I recommend sugary girly drinks for extra gains and also because they are funnier. Another good technique is to befriend a bartender who resents his or her boss.

3. Become a Busboy at a Greasy Spoon

This is really a double whammy as you will get paid to eat. The customers at a greasy spoon are most likely to leave behind the exact kind of food items that will fast track you to fatness. French fries, condiments, ice cream soup, and nachos all exist in abundance. All you need to do is replace the trash can with your face hole and you will be a funny fatty before you know it. Plus, stories of this experience will provide hilariously pathetic material for your act in the future so there is no losing here.

Now, Go Be Funny!

The great thing about these tips is they can be combined for ultimate results. Start your day at 5pm with a Chinese buffet then head to your 9pm open mic and get wasted then take your drunken appetite to your 3rd shift greasy spoon busboy job and pig out. The next day you can use the money you earned to buy another buffet which will both nurse that hangover and get you started all over again. You are getting funnier already!