Dan Lamorte: waddling into the spotlight

What do you get when you mix late-night fast food, matsturbation tears, weed, and a youthful innocence? You get funnyman Dan LaMorte.

This New Jersey-based young man lives with his parents and is hilariously sad like most products of the garden state. You want to look away, but are so delighted, you just can’t.

I respect this comedian. He’s a smart man, crafting brilliant setups again and again. I also like him because he seems to have read my articles and put into practice my patented comedy techniques: namely, that Fatter = Funnier and that functional alcoholism is hilarious. Dan LaMorte bears a remarkable resemblance to a young Santa going through a rough patch. And despite being still in his early 20s, he has cultivated the alcoholic complexion of a middle-aged dive bartender.

Dan’s album, “Not Enough Pieces,” is a truly hilarious recording of comedy gold. I personally was giggling for the whole six hours I spent high as balls and accidentally listening to it on repeat.

Here are some of my musings while listening to his brilliant setups and wonderful twisting punchlines:

Perhaps during one of his Harry Potter memorabilia shopping binges, Dan could find himself a gigantic wooly coat and try his hand at being a less attractive Hagrid.
When he sets up his Ohio rest stop joke, you get the sense that most of his best friends are made at dodgy rest stops.
Braving the dangers of a bee in his car, one speculates that it’s not the first time he’s picked up a queen while driving.
This self-proclaimed alcoholic endures alcohol poisoning better than he endures a treadmill
This young man has clearly never turned down a drink, a blowjob, or a TV spot with moderate appeal.
Dan loves New York City, which makes sense– not just because it’s such a cliche, but because it’s the only place as sad, ugly, twisted, and tortured on the inside as all comedians are.

Give Dan LaMorte a try

Dan’s jokes are personal, relatable, and hilarious. You’re going to love him. But probably not sleep with him. At only 23 years old, Dan LaMorte is a rising star who we will enjoy for the next 10 years. After that, Dan, we will miss you terribly.