5 Easy Steps to Clean Up Your Toxic Masculinity
Guenever is woke even when Zer is asleep. Resident expert in LGBTQAIF rights. Gender queer badass- fighting the Fash.

5 Easy Steps to Clean up Your Toxic Masculinity:

In a world ruled by patriarchal fascists, it is absolutely essential that all men recognize their role in the torment of the world’s peoples. The foul stench of your disgusting testosterone permeates the streets of the world, driving children into starvation and capable women to porn and prostitution. Your masculinity is toxic, and it’s time to clean it up. 

An exercise:

Just imagine– you’re walking down the street on a sunny day, when suddenly the most foul smell imaginable enters your nostrils. Aromas of sewage, formaldehyde, and dog breath fill your sinuses. Suddenly you find yourself convulsing, weeping, and accepting jobs which pay 20% less than they pay your male counterparts.

You have just imagined what REAL LIFE is like for trans folk and women everywhere. Your toxic masculinity is like a terrible allergen, forcing us into horrors you will never know.

If you have a single cell of decency in your hairy, sweaty, testosterone-filled body, you probably feel terrible right now. Odds are good that you have been living in denial of your own toxic presence. It’s time to get woke.

But it’s going to be okay– provided you follow these steps to clean up your act. I will do the best I can to help you out of the gutter that is your useless life.

  1. Surround Yourself With Flowers and Pastels

The first way to begin suffocating your toxic masculinity out of existence is to surround it by objects emblematic of traditional femininity. For centuries, you and your male counterparts have enslaved females in a cage of light yellow and robin’s egg blue, lined with daisies and forget-me-nots. It has been hell for us.

Soon, you shall know this hell.

2. Listen to Tegan and Sara

Nothing will make your oppressive balls shrivel faster than listening to these two powerful, proud lesbians rock exactly as hard as is appropriate for a small festival audience. Bob your head knowingly with the music, but do not emote too much. Let their lyrics enter your weak man-brain, and infuse you with the suffering of having a vagina.

Soon, you will be sorry.

  1. Enter a Contract of Servitude with a Powerful Woman

It’s only fair that since you have been part of the enslavement of women for THOUSANDS OF YEARS, that you should become a slave for the rest of your comparatively short life. Don’t worry– I’m sure you’re good for something. Men are primarily good at barking orders, oppressing, and demeaning minority populations, but an empowered woman will find a use for you. Perhaps you will make a lovely footstool.

Soon, you will feel the pain of the enslavement you have wrought.

  1. Cut Off Your Dick

This should be a truly obvious solution. You should feel incredibly stupid for not thinking of it already. Your disgusting penis is a symbol of conquest, rape, and oppression. Remove it from your body, and in doing so, find freedom from the worst parts of you.

Soon, you will feel the pain of those who weren’t born with your penile advantages.

  1. Kill Yourself

I tried. I really did. But your toxic masculinity has infected every pore and molecule of your living, breathing body. There is no way to truly cure you. So do the world a favor, and remove the terrible toxic oppressor that is you. Perhaps some of your cells will decompose and become a part of the bodies of superior females and trans folk.

Soon, you may find forgiveness.