Be A Budget Hero: Feed Your Kids Trash (part 2)
SLOPPY DRUNKEN DONKEY WITCH HO
Your go-to mommy blogger for all parenting advice.
Howdy-do, sweet mommies and sweet children everywhere. Your favorite mommy blogger is back with unique and delicious snacks for kids:

Be A Budget Hero: Feed Your Kids Trash (part 2)

Last week, I introduced my genious concept to make parenting a little easier for hardworking mommies everywhere– Be A Budget Hero, and Feed Your Kids Trash.

But in a world full of rich do-gooder moms looking for delicious and nutritious snacks for kids, how do you get your picky little eaters to become accepting of an all-garbage diet? Don’t worry sweet-cheeks, I’m here to help.

Last week was all about fun and playtime. This week, I’m going to talk to you about the incredible power of guilt. So get a pen and paper and take notes, ladies. This is my second tip on how to save money by feeding your kids trash: Lay on the guilt!

“FigWiggy artists can rock any style. Killer animations or still shots. You name it, they’ll nail it.”
-Marilyn Mason

Budget Hero Tip #2: Lay on the Guilt

Here we have a tactic favored by moms around the world. It’s tested and true for a wholesome and simple reason: kids want to be good, and if you imply that they are breaking your heart, they will do ridiculous things to fix it.

So, if your children resist your trash-games for even a moment, bring out that guilt. Bring it out with bells on.

CHILDREN OF FAMINE

Show them pictures of children, not unlike them, who are starving to the brink of death. Point out their sad eyes, parched lips, and clearly visible ribs. Invite your children to imagine what it would be like to be the hungriest they’ve ever been, then multiply that feeling by 20. Then imagine feeling that way until they died.

“These are the best writers in the universe. Hire them today for any style you can dream of! Great toon rates!”
– GOD
Tell your kids, “Those starving, dying children have hopes and dreams and mommies just like you. They wish they could run around, playing the fun trash-eating games their dearmommies thought of just for them. They wish they could curl up and sleep with their teddies at night. But no. Instead, they’re going to die, weeping in a gutter. ”

By now your child is probably crying. You’ve probably scared the shit out of them, forcing them to face realities of death that they have not yet had to comprehend.

They are probably already trying to apologize for shunning your wonderful ideas to keep them fed. But you can’t stop now, tenacious mommy!

“FigWiggy artists can rock any style. Killer animations or still shots. You name it, they’ll nail it.”
-Marilyn Mason

THE GUILT OF HOW YOUR CHILDREN HAVE RUINED YOUR LIFE

Now is the time to make it personal. Heave a sigh. Tell them, in as vivid detail as possible, everything that you wish you could do instead of taking care of them.

Highlight the most disgusting realities of motherhood that you can.

Tell them how their birth has turned your vagina to a broken, useless, flappy hole. Sigh, and murmer how you would much rather run joyously through the streets collecting trash than cleaning up their used tissues and scrubbing their shit out of the toilet. Then shriek unto the sky, as if you barely even realize they are still next to you, that you once had hopes and dreams too. If you can manage it, let your eyes well with tears.

At this point, your child should be positively begging you to let them ease your sorrows. “Please mommy, don’t cry. I’ll get the trash. I’ll eat it too! It doesn’t sound bad, it sounds fun! You’re so good to me, mommy!”

… words every mother longs to hear.

It’s time for another big, deep sigh before you give them a tiny bit of reassurance. Perhaps tell them that they’re “an alright kid” through a weary smile. Hand them their collection bag, and watch them run faster than they ever have before.

That’s it for now with my innovative snacks for kids! Next week, in Part 3, I will conclude with my final method of convincing your kids to eat trash: threats of severe punishment. See you next time, good mommies of the world!