A SPIRITUAL WEIGHT LOSS MIRACLE
Did you know that if you are sufficiently spiritual you can survive on nothing but sunlight and air?
Just as surely as clapping will cure a crushed fairy liver, you too can achieve your skinny dreams and spiritual superiority with the bounty of air and sunlight surrounding you. This high level of spirituality is called being “pranic.’
Becoming so spiritually gifted takes real discipline and work, but I am here to walk you through the challenges.
Don’t panic, you can be pranic….and skinny!
What does it Mean to be a “Pranic” person
I have put exactly 16 minutes in to researching this topic, and have discovered the secrets of the Prana. To be a Pranic person means that you are so spiritual, your body literally needs nothing aside from air and sunshine to balance its nutrients completely. A Pranic person no longer feels hunger, for their spirit is full. A Pranic person maintains approximateley 10% body fat while eating nothing, and craving nothing.
You might think I’m bullshitting you, but what I’m talking about here is centuries-old Eastern religious tradition. If you think that Prana as a substitute for food is nonsense, you are a racist bigot.
With that said, becoming a Pranic person certainly has its challenges. I will address four of the most common difficulties below.
1. Missing Delicious food
After a lifetime of indulging in sweet, succulent treats multiple times a day, you might find yourself missing the taste of food. As you inhale peace and exhale toxins, and your stomach begins to shrivel and scream, the weakest parts of your monkey-brain might scream at you, demanding nutrients.
Silence this voice. Remind yourself that it is perfectly natural to cease eating and inhale the vital components that make your body run. Tell yourself that you have the breath of a supreme goddess. Inhaling your food is making you a better, skinnier person with every rise and fall of your chest.
2. The Social Pressures of Friends Who Still like Food
Whether it’s a simple lunch meeting or your close friends begging you to eat something before you keel over and die, it can be difficult to overcome the social pressures of ignorant people who demand you consume food. However well-meaning the people that surround you might be, the truth is they just aren’t as spiritual as you are, nor are they as connected to the world as you are.
Adamantly refuse food. If necessary, remind them how vastly superior your choices are to theirs. If they still urge you in an unholy direction, you must begin to bully them about their own weight. Come prepared to every social gathering with a list of jabs you can throw at anyone who is fatter than you.
3. Filling Time, Without Filling Your Face
After spending years eating multiple meals a day, you might simply find yourself bored at times you would normally be enjoying a meal. How can you fill time without filling your face?
While breathing and absorbing sunshine is obviously a crucial part of your new lifestyle, that can’t take up ALL of your time. I suggest picking up a healthy hobby, like checking your body measurements multiple times a day to see if you are an ugly, worthless, unlovable failure.
4. Becoming too God-Like to Relate to Others
After you have spent several days replacing food with spirituality, you will feel an unprecedented connection to the universe. You will begin to feel pity for the lesser beings around you, still trapped by their own desire to eat. You will glide as if on a cloud, looking down your nose at all of your lessers. In time, you will become something like a God.
Others can find this upsetting. It can be difficult to share a room with someone so overwhelmingly spiritual. Imagine for a moment the visceral discomfort of a chubby girl with acne and braces sitting next to a magazine cover-model. You are the spiritual equivalent of that gorgeous model– and, with any luck, your lack of eating is making you look like one, too. Everyone around you, still stuck in the chubby-with-braces phase of spirituality is simply jealous of your great power. Don’t let it get you down, you powerful beast.
Are you Strong enough to Forget Food? Time for You to Set off on your Pranic Journey!
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