Top 5 Suicide Cliffs


The worst. The absolute fucking worst.

Top 5 Suicide Cliffs

So, you’ve come to the only reasonable conclusion to life on this miserable planet, and you’ve decided to kill yourself. 

It can be hard to find exactly the right location to do the deed. A number of factors are involved: how do you want to die? What do you want to be the last thing you see? How fast do you want it to be? Should the place have any significance to you?


I, myself, am a strong advocate for jumping off of a cliff. As a Shmilk, I am (unfortunately) unable to die– though I have tried countless times, and think about my own sweet death constantly. 

After much careful thought and practice, I have come to the conclusion that jumping from a cliff is by far the best way to kill yourself. You’re looking at the winning combination of beautiful views and a quick demise. 

I am going to share with you my list of the absolute best cliffs to jump from and end your stupid existence. 

El Capitan Rock in Yosemite

This is a beautiful, picturesque location with a steep drop. One small disadvantage that one might not consider is that the presence of evergreens below the drop could soften the impact. There is a small chance that you wouldn’t actually die. Or, that you would die by impaling.

Icelandic Cliffside

Gorgeous vistas, a harsh drop, and swirling water below? It’s a perfect recipe for certain death.

Disadvantages: Iceland is a LONG way to go to kill yourself. It’s a long flight, so this one is pretty tough to do on impulse.

Torres, Brazil

Spend the last moments of your life looking out over the ocean into the sunset! The only disadvantage of this particular cliff is its height. There is a miniscule chance that the drop wouldn’t actually kill you, and you would die horribly and slowly.

Trolltunga, Norway

Due to its resemblance to Pride Rock from “The Lion King,” this spot has become insanely popular with millenials looking for photo ops. What better place to hurl yourself into oblivion than in front of a hipster bitch taking staged yoga selfies?


The Grand Canyon? More like the Grand Suicide CLASSIC. With enormous drops promising certain death and some of the most majestic views in the world, I personally believe that there is no better place to kill yourself. Your family and friends will sure be sorry when they airlift your barely-recognizable splatter off of the canyon floor.

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