Beyond the obvious disgusting aspects, just watch a few movies — nothing good happens to the fat kid. They are always the butt of jokes and pranks, and if there’s a madman on the loose, the fat kid is always abducted first.

And what happens if a fat child becomes a fat adult? One of four things– they will become a welfare recipient, a comedian, a sumo wrestler, or a prostitute. No mother wants these options for their child.

Save your child from themselves. I’m going to teach you how.

Two of the Best Tools in your Mommy Toolbelt:

At the core of many of my mothering techniques are two very basic tools — guilt, and shame.

With the powers of guilt and shame, you can influence your child in nearly any direction. You can guide them with speed and efficiency. Guilt and shame are useful in many situations, but today, I will help you to apply them specifically to the scenario of dealing with a fat child.

GUILT:

Your kid needs to put down the donuts, and you know it. Here’s the first step to getting them to do it willingly.

First, take hold of a favorite technique of mommies all around the world, and talk about all the people who are starving and dying while they guzzle food. This particular trick is perfect– your child isn’t yet logical enough to realize that starving people aren’t directly impacted by their actions. You can easily frame up the issue to imply that every bite they take is LITERALLY stolen from the mouth of a person who is dying.

Next, bemoan how much money all their favorite snacks. Talk about all the things you wish you could do, but can’t, because they are literally eating your money.

This last one is a bit of a stretch, but a young enough child will buy it– imply that their weight is slowly breaking down the foundation of your house. The idea that they might crash through the floor if they get too fat will TERRIFY them. Your kiddo will think twice about that second slice of pizza if they think that they are actually destroying the home they live in.

SHAME:

For a child, guilt is all about the awareness of their impact on the world around them– shame comes from turning their judgmental eye onto themselves. It happens to all of us eventually. You’re just helping along a process that puberty would bring them soon enough anyway.

You must make them keenly aware of how others view them, and that’s as a jiggly lardass who is barely worthy of love, if at all.

The best way I know of to introduce shame to your children is to ask them to run and play, then whip out your phone. This day and age, almost every phone has the ability to record slow-mo in some capacity. Do it. Focus on your child’s belly bouncing out of their shirt, and how they get a double chin when they smile.

Show this video to your child, and point out all of their flaws in painstaking detail.

If they Develop an Eating Disorder

I know what you’re all thinking. What if these foolproof tactics actually go too far the other way, and prime your little one to develop a severe eating disorder?

Well, I challenge you– is that really such a bad thing?

Only a tiny fraction of people who develop eating disorders actually die from them. Think of it this way– you have greatly upped the odds that your child is going to become a high-end fashion model!

And, most importantly, think about the situation this way: when people see a fat child, they blame the parents. When they see a child with an eating disorder, they see a child with a disease. You are simply the helpless mother of a kid who is ill. You wish you could help them, but you just can’t! Sympathy is a whole lot better than blame.

Let me know how your experience with these techniques goes!

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