So, it’s been an exciting night at the club. Men were buying you drinks all night, and you had a great time. But now it’s time to go home, and you’ve decided do get into your car.
Before you know it, police lights are flashing behind you. Your heart begins to race– what do you do now?!
Here’s What To Do if you Get Pulled Over While Drunk!
Step 1: Pull over quickly and stay in your car
Alright, sweet ho. First things first. The police have seen you, and certainly have your license plate number. There is no sense in avoiding the inevitable– pull over safely and quickly, and wait for them to approach your window. In no circumstance should you exit the vehicle! This will only anger the officer.
Step 2: Be Polite to Law Enforcement
Okay, so you tried to evade the police for two and a half miles before swerving off the road, and storming out of your vehicle in your six inch heels. This was not my recommendation, but perhaps the situation may be salvaged!
From this moment on, you must be extraordinarily polite to the officer. Say “yes sir” and “no sir.” Apologize for your inappropriate behavior, and act as sweet as if you were trying to get him to buy a dance from you. You are a very charming woman, I know you can pull this off!
Step 3: Don’t Answer Questions
So, instead of being polite, you have thus far spoken to the Policeman using only a series of oinks and squeals. I must say, sweet ho, that is quite immature and unlikely to help you in this predicament.
You must begin speaking to the officer using actual words, but it is important that you very politely refuse to answer questions. He is likely already annoyed with you, and is going to try to get you to incriminate yourself. It would be quite prudent to avoid answering unnecessary questions.
Step 4: Don’t Offer Any Information
Alright… at least you stopped oinking. But you have begun to share FAR too much information! Talking about the night you’ve had, and exactly how many drinks you’ve consumed, is NOT a good idea!
Do not offer any further information to this police officer. Be respectful, but do not tell him any more factual information about the evening.
Step 5: Stay Calm While Getting Arrested
This really didn’t go as I’d hoped– you were given a breathalyzer, failed horribly, and are now being arrested.
All you have to do now is stay calm. Assaulting a police officer is a serious offense– you are likely going to get a DUI, and you don’t need any other charges stacked up against you.
Step 6: Let’s Call This A Victory
So instead of staying calm, as the officer attempted to handcuff you, you took off your shoes and threw them at his head.
This resulted in him tasing you until you became unconscious. Let’s call this a win. At the very least, you will not be able to do any more damage to your situation in the imminent future. Once they put you in the drunk tank, try to get some sleep. You will feel much more able to handle this unfortunate situation when you wake.
That’s it for “So you’ve been pulled over after a couple drinks. Now what?” Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are a ho in need who has any questions!
Earnestly,
-Captain Save-A-Ho
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