How to Talk to Your Children About Sex

Dive Right In

My first piece of advice is to dive right in. You will do your children no favors by pussyfooting around, talking about how “snakes like to go in gardens” or some nonsense like that.

I recommend talking to your curious kids about doggystyle first. Sex is terrifying to many children and adults, so it makes sense to begin with something you can link to adorable puppies.

Advantages of Doggystyle

Be sure to give your children quality guidance as you have this first conversation about sex. For boys or girls, doggystyle has different advantages, and you should be sure to point these out.

1. For a woman, doggystyle allows you to curl your head into your body, close your eyes, and forget the world. Your partner can pound away as you drift away and dream about the money, presents, or social advantage you will gain from the experience.

2. For a man, doggystyle allows you to focus entirely on the honey-hole, and completely forget the humanity of the person you are banging.

Lubrication

This is also a good time to introduce the idea of lubrication, and identify the differences between spit from the back of the throat and the mouth. Spit from the mouth is thin, watery, and nearly useless. Spit from the back of the throat, however, is thick and mucousey. Much more appropriate for a bang session. Teach your children to hock a giant loogie on their genitals before any sexual act.

ConcLusion:

If you follow my advice, you will have done everything you need to set your children up for a healthy and natural sex life.

Now get out there, and keep being an amazing parent– just like me.