How To Drive Your Friends Away
Everyone knows that isolation can be comforting, like a warm blanket. But, try as you might, it can be hard to go through life and completely avoid making friends.
Maybe they’re your coworkers. Maybe they’re holdover friends from your high school days. But they’re in your life way too much, and it’s time to drive them away. My two-step method is going to help you do just this.
Driving Good Friends Away is a Science
Believe it or not, there are some people in the world that will actually try very tenaciously to hang out with you, despite all the standard rebuffing. They will take your lack of response to their friendship as a sign that you need their friendship even more. This disgusting habit must be stopped in its tracks, and I’m going to tell you how in just two easy steps.
Step 1: Nothing But Bad
The first step to abusing a good friendship is to stay in contact, and take your friends calls, but limit yourself to a conversation 100% full of negatives. When they ask you how you are, tell them everything terrible. EVERYTHING. Tell them about the oozing sore on your shoulder, tell them about your annoying coworkers, tell them how the cute girl you like won’t notice you no matter how many times you grunt at her and tell her that her butt looks delicious.
They will likely tolerate these conversations, and even respond with sympathy, the first few times they call. But they will not be able to take it for long, especially when combined with step two.
STEP TWO: BELITTLE EVERYTHING GOOD IN THEIR LIFE
This step is a critical compliment to step 1. A truly wonderful friend is going to want to share their joys and triumphs with you, and your job (if you truly want the peace of loneliness) is to do everything in your power to stop them from enjoying what’s good in their own life. If they get a promotion, start monaing about the new tax burdens they will face, along with increased responsiblility. Point out how everyone in positions below them are going to start thinking of them as “their asshole boss.” If they play a really fun game of pick-up basketball, one-up everything they say with descriptions of amazing things you did when you used to play basketball. But now, your knees have given out. It will probably happen to them soon, too. If their girlfriend makes them a special homemade dinner, insinuate that it is probably because she cheated on him and feels guilty.
You should be getting my point by now. You mustn’t allow ANY news from your friend’s life to reach your ears unblemished by darkness and fear.
CONCLUSION:
If you keep this habit up, your tenacious friend will surely stop calling you at all within a couple of weeks.
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