What to do if you own a Nazi Dog?
The scourge of Nazism can be found lurking in the most unexpected and inconspicuous of places. In fact, it is the dark plot of Nazis everywhere to brainwash the innocent, and grow their own ranks. Recent evidence shows that they have begun to target one of the internet’s most beloved creatures: dogs.
Here is how to tell if your own dog has been afflicted, and what to do.
Test 1: The Trump Effect
While averting your eyes and wearing ear protection, place your dog in front of your TV and queue up a Donald Trump speech. Watch your dog closely. If she cowers and whines, she is not a nazi. If she acts happy and normal, there is a good chance your dog is a nazi.
Test 2: Tearjerker
Lay a blanket on the floor with a little pillow. Call your dog to your side and ask the sweet creature to lay down. Then, read to your dog The Diary of Anne Frank. If your dog is a normal, wholesome puppy, she will stay by your side, paying rapt attention. She may even begin to whine as the scourge of Nazism impacts poor Anne more and more. But, if she walks away at any point before page 40, she is probably a Nazi.
Test 3: Nazi Footfalls
This test may shake you to your core, but it must be done. Steel yourself for the trauma you are about to endure, and begin goose-stepping around your dwelling. Occasionally “heil.”
If your dog becomes excited, following your steps, wagging her tail, and trying to play along… she is probably a Nazi.
WHAT TO DO About Your NAzi Dog:
If your dog passed all three tests, I want to congratulate you– your dog has managed to resist the Nazi propaganda barraging her from all sides. Give her a gluten-free cookie and, if she consents, rub her belly.
If your dog failed only one test, I am sorry to say it, but you must punch your dog in the face. Just to be safe. Nazis only communicate in the language of violence, and through violence, you may attempt to heal your poor, brainwashed dog.
If your dog failed all three tests, your action must be swift and decisive. Your dog is for sure a Nazi, and an incurable one at that. Your dog has become an extension of the propaganda arm of the fascists. A Nazi mind has earned a Nazi’s punishment– euthenize your dog and put it directly into your oven. She would do it to you without a second thought.
Now you know how to deal with the Nazi animals in your home. Now get out there and keep fighting the Nazi animals on the street!
The Bear and His Balls
Tales from the land of bears– enchanting, enthralling, magical, rare. Bear balls.
Top 5 Suicide Cliffs
It can be hard to find just the right place to kill yourself. The location must have a combination of factors rendering it the perfect place to end your miserable life. I’m going to share a few of my best ideas.
Wednesday Night Live With @HarperTheFox
An episode of Wednesday Night Live, hosted by the brilliant and beautiful @HarperTheFox. She definitely didn’t write this post excerpt, despite the fact that she is a brilliant writer and unicorn of a human being.
The Bigotry of Attraction: Dicks are Clits, Too
Today, I am going to discuss a serious problem in the dating world– the bigotry of attraction. Transphobia runs rampant in the world of Tindr, OkCupid, and the like. So how do we stop it? GET. WOKE.
Teach a Fat Child Discipline Using Guilt and Shame
Sometimes, a mother finds herself in the difficult position of noticing that her child is getting fat. How are you supposed to deal with that in a healthy way? I’ve got some tips!
Next Beauty Trend: Look Like You Have Ebola!
I am a fashionable pussy who always tries to stay updated on the latest trends. But sometimes, when I see evidence, I anticipate trends that haven’t quite hit the mainstream! The next upcoming hot trend– look like you have Ebola.
