How to Ruin a Friend’s Wedding
Marriage is a horrible institution imposed on people based on social norms from hundreds of years ago. The ritual is ridiculous, and like most endeavors undertaken with smiling optimism, is doomed to failure. But you’ve been invited to a friend’s wedding, and you want to fight this ugly institution from the inside out. Here’s how to ruin a friend’s wedding.
Step 1: Show up Wasted, and Stay that Way
Most people plan to get trashed at a wedding reception, but you are not going to wait that long. You must show up absolutely reeking of booze. This will amplify the cringiness of every move you undertake for the whole rest of the day. And as a bonus, if you show up completely trashed, you are much less likely to have a conscience regarding steps 2-4.
Step 2: Belittle The Bride
The only conversation you should engage in is about how you banged the bride, and she was okay. It doesn’t matter if it’s true– say it enough times, and people will believe it. Fill out your story with details: for instance, maybe her blowjob was a little too toothy. Permit no other small-talk in your presence. Always end your storytelling by heaving a sigh, pointing to the groom with sympathy, and saying you couldn’t imagine having to hit that all the time. Bonus points if you have this conversation with or near the bride’s parents.
Step 3: When the Moment for Objections Comes
As the ceremony begins, make sure to continue drinking. Take conspicuous sips out of a flask in your jacket. Belch when you must. But toe the line, and try to make sure you aren’t kicked out before the moment to share objections comes. This will be your hour to shine. When those two dopey lovebirds are staring smiling into each others eyes, and the reverend poses his fateful question to the congregation, stand up. Raise your flask to the sky, and as you slur your words, shout “SHE’S A WHORE.” Don’t stop yelling until a group of people begins to physically remove you.
Step 4: When they Drag You Out
As you are being pulled out of that church by your arms, simply boo. Boo as loud as you can, pausing only to drunk-belch. Rejoice– you have been kicked out, and do not have to stay for any more of the ridiculous and archaic affair. And, rest assured– you will be the only thing they remember about that day.
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